Contour of painful mind

They say “we all have an old knot in the heart we wish to untie” , question is whether we have the courage to untie the knot. 5 years back , when there was a chance , instead of taking it as a golden opportunity , I merely blew it away with the wind , thinking life would never give me another.But that’s the beauty of life.The bubble of illusion gets a pinch at any point of time.

The mere thoughts of a stoned heart got thrashed away with  hammering of most powerful element called love and the strong foundation I thought , sat beneath me, shattered.

The masking of being okay in current scenario is just tuning the rage towards some one else on me.Why..why …why…why cant I get you out of my head…or should I say throw you out of my mind. They told me “Time is the best healer” but what they didn’t mention is the slowness of this healing process which continues to go around in circles in my head.

There is no fix , no cure ,only left to suffer and bear the pain , which reminds me that you heal only by getting habituated dwelling within this  intensity and one day you realize this has become an integral part of your soul.

I don’t know when , how , where , I will be able to survive..I will be able to breathe without my heart aching sigh but this painful walking is testament to the love I am carrying into my heart for you still like the older days…or ….may be more..

 

 

 

Ache or Break – Hurt =Heart

And thus the culmination of constant fear of loosing you arrived with a severe heart break or should I say heart ache.With shore and sand the wave comes and goes..touches the shore..keeps a mark while going away saying I was there..I will be there.

Like the wave I know I can touch you , mark a print on you like every touch has a memory but I cannot stay cause the shore belongs to the sand.

Should I be proud of my heart that in spite of much pain it’s doing the job of pumping the blood…or is it the blood is now poisonous that’s why the pain is striking all over my soul in my veins and arteries…

No way out?? Can anyone suggest a way out?? Like a slow poison it’s engulfing the paralyzed mind.

They say Time is the best healer…what that is never said is time can only heal as long as you can sustain…and the slow healing process sometime becomes fatal..so much so that I am clueless to get rid of the intensity.

So true

Just now read these

“they did not tell me it would hurt like this

no one warned me

about the heartbreak we experience with friends

where are the albums i thought

there were no songs sung for it

i could not find the ballads

or read the books dedicated to writing the grief

we fall into when friends leave

it is the type of heartache that

does not hit you like a tsunami

it is a slow cancer

the kind that does not show up for months

has no visible signs

is an ache here

a headache there

but manageable

cancer or tsunami

it all ends the same

a friend or a lover

a loss is a loss is a loss” —-

The thoughts are too powerful to express in words..so couldn’t stop myself from copying these lines..

I love you

P.S. –

Love – A Brutal Truth

As I heard “This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something” The lub dub sounding blood pumping engine always gets  pulverize  by love.

 Love?? It feels like torturous limbo with a crushing weight on my chest.

The slow poisoning feeling pangs and stabs the heart with its deepest blow and sharpest wound..a wound which will only stay with scar merely visible to outer body.

The sobbing eyes get the perennial source of  tears from the broken heart and I ask my self “Why does it hurts so much”?

Fool I am …and the inner child fails to understand that , deeper the love , sharper the wound. The watery eyes will look for her  amidst the crowd  but alas…

Before I pursued myself to figure it out , I became vulnerable to the most dangerous powerful element and THE SO CALLED LOVE injected all the venom with its sugar coated knife.

They say “Every touch has a memory” , but all memories are not good candidate of a walk down.The brush of hands , interlocking  fingers , kisses on cheeks, I know , time will fail to get into amnesia mode.The wound will remain and in time,the mind covering them with scar tissue protecting its sanity may lessen it ,but cannot heal it.

To me she is the lady with the lamp , marked with a dark shallow presence in the purest corner , my heart.Well she is a princess in her name , a beauty by her facade and the purest form of love I witnessed after my mom.

Princess…yes indeed and  the beggar of love once again failed to understand that some people are meant to love each other, but not be together.

Whatever I did, none of these things were just out of a sense of duty, it’s just who I am.
No matter what you put me through, I remained true, was still there  in spite of knowing a late entry would be a devastating one.
Not because I had nothing better to do but because God wanted to know what was in our hearts, he revealed mine and it was true.

With the copious blow again and again  , time will answer whether I was able to weather the storm of my broken heart. But I withstood the rain while consumed by pain and the teary eyes succumbed to the torrential downpour.

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing Official about it

Was putzing around ,suddenly thought of writing something , so started pressing the keyboard building meaningful words , composing sentences and giving shapes to my thoughts.
As the title says “Nothing Official about it”

Chronicles of life

As each day passes by , life seems to be pulling through the same track. But funny part is once you look back , things seem changed in a radical manner. Question is whether we change or the situations make you think differently. The act of craziness in the past perhaps seems stupidity now , but these small pebbles of past actually shape our journey for the present and future. I strongly believe I should not remorse with these past deeds rather should embrace them. Those small pebbles are the sign of truth , that I once existed with utmost innocence, vulnerable to these scratches scribbled by trusted ones.

Here without you

I am standing in that street, in front of the same church where we went. I prayed to marry you. The same carol is playing now. I am waiting for you.Will you ever comeback…will you??? Will you love me the way I always wanted you to.

“A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face
I’m here without you, baby
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you, baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you, baby
But you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me, yeah.”

Jesus are YOU listening???

Lady Antebellum – Need You Now

So…it’s one year now…365 days since I met her first…8760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds….and yes the love is still surviving achingly in the coldness of lie, betrayal and cheating. The feelings are getting their due retribution for being so pure. Often I wonder is it so easy to wipe out every single memory, every share of happiness togather.She showed herself to be the antithesis to the girl I thought, the girl whom I miss every single moment of my respiration. So many things are happening around me these days, enough to make someone happy, still I cannot come out of the resentment, life offered to my heart. Was I the option not the priority, the intermission number before the main event? I felt for her coz she made me feel i was the only one, held my hands and intertwined her fingers with mine, made me believe that I was the one she would walk the altar to.

I can make everyone understand that her thoughts no longer haunt me, but deep down inside, the tingling sensation of my heart keeps on reminding me “Lady Antebellum – Need You Now”

Hey There Delilah

For the past couple of months I’ve had front-row seats to the slow painful death of my feelings. I loved (and still love) this person deeply. Strangely this is not the first time the venom of love running through my blood, but this is the first time I have learnt to swallow the wail. And the prognosis doesn’t look good.
What should I say? Two people who both cared for each other, spent days(and months) laughing with each other, leaning on each other, feeling absolutely essential to each other now are capable on transmuting love to hatred ,feeling absolutely self-sufficient to see the sunset alone. All these days while there were vicious words exchanged inflicting cruelty sharing an unwelcome and undeniable thought between both of us, why I am still expecting the unexpected come back.
I know it’s easy to sum up life with the three words “It moves on “.But it’s painful to sum up the time ahead substituting her with someone else, trying to fill the hole she left.
While all the time I ponder what could have been done to save the relationship, her lies have been a perennial source of pain thereby failing to resurrect the realtionship.But I know deep in my heart I gave her the best of my love in those few months, the best which probably she will not be able to erase no matter in severe attack of amnesia too.
May be I have to make a choice. May be the choice isn’t the one I am looking forward to. But sometimes the hardest and right things are the same. I see no real alternative other than accepting whatever life is offering, accepting that my heart bleeds but it bleeds for me.